a lacklustre Lent – thank God.

Well it’s Resurrection Sunday.

Lent has finished, and to be honest… I’m relieved.

I’m saying the Responsive “He is Risen. He is Risen Indeed.” but not with the cheery confidence of one feeling satisfied at their efforts practicing Lent. I’m saying it as one who has realised: I don’t, or at least I didn’t, Lent well.

This year I committed myself not only to the practice of fasting, of ‘giving up’ something to sharpen my awareness of my truest needs. I also committed myself to the other two Lenten practices of prayer and giving. My commitments were simple. I would fast from social media use, other than for work purposes. I would look for ways to give at least in some small way to those sleeping rough in our city. And I would start and finish each day with a time of prayer, using the Lectio 365 app in the morning, and a recovery-based nightly review prayer to finish.

How did it go? Well, pretty average to be completely honest.

a lacklustre Lent

Detaching from social media seemed almost impossible to do. It has tentacles on so much of our lives. While ‘logging in for work’ I would see friends posting updates that I desperately wanted to add my visible support to, but I couldn’t because I was meant to be off social media. I would watch a video or reel (related to ‘work’ in some way, of course…) and then find myself scrolling through the swamp of content. It felt like the algorithm won.

Finding ways to be generous to rough sleepers proved to be quite difficult. I did a couple of 6am walks on Karanga-a-hape Road, where I had seen several rough sleepers in the past, but (at least early Mornings on Mondays) they seemed to have relocated. I did wonder if the government’s ‘move on’ orders, even before they have been officially put into effect, may have been influencing this. In my role for Visionwest, there were a number of touch points on this issue (blogs, public meetings, interviews, writing our public statement on the Move On orders). There was one really lovely and unexpected opportunity on a lunch break to give someone a ride to our Whānau Centre to get connected, but by and large, I ended up feeling like I hadn’t really done anything on this one.

My efforts at prayer also felt very mixed and lacklustre. The 24-7 Prayer series on the Desert Fathers and Mothers was some of the best they’ve ever made, but I found myself feeling all the more spiritually lazy because the passivity of my engagement with such amazing content seemed a waste of their precious time. As for my nightly review, my 9:30pm alarm faithfully performed it’s duty to remind me, but I found myself needing to finish what I was doing and then quickly thinking through the prayer either while brushing my teeth or once I had already put head to pillow.

a vague ingratitude?

Outside of my specifically Lenten efforts, my general spirituality seemed to decline rather than increase. My life continues to be richly blessed and privileged.

• I have a wonderful job, great bosses and a bag full of Mac gear to play with.
• I am given regular opportunities to share on the radio, to preach and speak.
• Our son is doing well at school, and my wife and I enjoy spending time together.
• Out of the blue, an opportunity has come my way to teach a leadership course at Pathways Bible College.

My gratitude for these blessings is just not where I’d like it to be; which can be a source of a very unique kind of guilt as I judge myself for being so ungrateful, entitled and self-centred. I have found myself feeling a bit overly introspective, wondering how my life might have been different in a different country, a different career, different circumstances, if ‘x’ had not happened, or if ‘y’ had happened.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been a complete disaster. Most of my days were filled with meaningful work, encouraging interactions, a sense of purpose, good food, and just generally a lot of activity. But there has been a quiet and continuously excessive focus on self through it. It’s felt like healthy self-examination mixed with unhealthy self-pity.

Meanwhile, as I finish my very lacklustre Lent, we are once again in yet another cycle of global chaos and uncertainty. AI. Iran. Trump. Climate Change. Petrol Prices rising. Political discourse toxifying. Trust in humanity fading. It feels very bleak.

what now? Thanks.

What am I to do with the world, with myself, with God in light of all of this?

I am choosing, on this Resurrection Day, to thank God.

Lent has, I suppose, done what it is meant to. It has reminded me of the frailty of my ego, my insecurity, arrogance and inner agnosticism. It has reminded me of and re-introduced me to my humanity that so needs hope, grace, faith, mercy, crucifixion and resurrection.

This Lent has reminded me that becoming a better human, simultaneously more myself and most like Jesus, requires more than just 40 days of higher-than-normal standards. It’s reminded me that giving, prayer and fasting must be a lifestyle. We don’t practice these disciplines at Lent so that we can be selfish, faithless and indulgent the rest of the year. We lean into them to grow – even if that growth may take us through a rather confronting time of seeing just how much growth is yet needed.

But seriously, this lacklustre Lent may have been exactly what I’ve needed at this season in my life.

Thank God.

Lent is finished.
Christ is Risen.
Now let us begin, continue, and deepen the work of Resurrection.
In my life and in God’s world.