Category: recovery

many times each day

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

Praying regularly is the best way to perfect and improve one’s spiritual life.
We learn to pray properly by praying less than properly.

The timing and frequency of our prayers will vary from person to person.
There is no ‘perfect rhythm’ of prayer.

Popular Christian piety suggests a daily prayer, also called a ‘quiet time’.
Some Christian traditions practice twice-daily prayers: ‘matins’ and ‘vespers’ (or morning and evening prayer); and many Buddhists do morning and evening chants.
Islam requires adherents to pray five times a day.
Cistercian monks pray seven times a day; outdone by Benedictine monks with eight prayer hours.

Praying once, twice, five, seven or eight times a day is great…

But I just don’t think that is enough, at least for me…
(A good Christian, Buddhist, Muslim or Monk will agree.)

I have to keep praying ‘unceasing’ prayers, processing life with God as it happens.

Recovering alcoholics who are working a programme from the guidance of the AA Big Book will heed the following advice for spiritually navigating a day:

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbling saying to ourselves [in truth, it is a prayer that is said to God!] many times each day ‘Thy will be done.’ ” (AA Big Book, 87-88)

This practice, conceived by people famous for their struggles, best echoes the admonition of St Paul, who wrote that the will of God for us is to “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:16).

Because of the simultaneous fragility and dominance of my ego, I have to pray.
All the time.

the opposite of the serenity prayer

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The beauty and poignance of the Serenity Prayer is evident, and known to many a 12-step addict.

God,
grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
Courage
to change the things I can
and the Wisdom
to know the difference.

It is a sanity-inducing prayer.
But what about the insanity that it opposes?
That kind of insanity flows not from prayer…
but from self-focused, self-seeking thinking.
Something like…

Self,
keep me in the Chaos
that refuses to accept things I cannot change
Fear
that blocks my efforts to manage myself
and the Insanity
to keep judging others and justifying myself.

the sneaky allure of selfishness

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I’m a prayer guy, and I’m a fan of 12-step spirituality.

So one of the resources I use for prayer is the guidance offered in the AA Big Book for step 11.

It suggests some patterns of meditation and prayer “upon awakening”. Here’s the first bit of advice…

“On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.”

AA Big Book, page 86

I am in awe of how practical this advice is. If I’m not directed by God, I will eventually (or immediately!) drift into spiritually unhelpful ways of thinking about my day. It mentions three huge categories of bad day-planning: “self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.”

In my insecurity, I can lapse into the self-pity of imagining how certain situations may not go my way, or dreading the experience today of the effects of having been wronged yesterday.

In my self-protecting fear, I can drift into dishonesty, looking at the day ahead with a distorted lens that lies to myself by exaggerating the good that I think I might do, or minimising the mistakes I may make.

In my grandiosity (itself a product of insecurity), I can wade into the waters of imagining how impressively I might perform in this or that situation.

Later on in these couple of pages of advice, the AA big book has a strong suggestion around making our prayers that are oriented to being useful to others.

We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn’t work. You can easily see why.

AA Big Book, page 87

I don’t think it is theologically wrong to pray for ourselves, of course. But it is not hard to see the wisdom of this advice. Our thinking about the day, and our ways of going about the day itself, are quickly distorted by self-focused motives. Heck, I can find myself drifting into worry, fear or self-protecting resentment even during a time of prayer itself!

The advice here is to always remember our priority of being useful to others. That is damned good advice.

true treatment

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Maybe you are, specifically, an alcoholic. Maybe, like the rest of us, you can identify (a little or a lot) with the language and experience of addiction to some-‘thing’. Here’s something of a progression of how we become aware of our patterns, and how we can find relief and recovery from them.

1 The ‘thing’ is an effective ‘treatment’ – until it isn’t

It may sound odd to speak about alcohol as an ‘effective treatment’ for alcoholism, but in a very important sense this is true. At least for a certain period, a drug (alcohol, cocaine, work, sex, food, etc.) does something for you at some level. Whatever your ‘thing’ is, it treats the addiction, or you wouldn’t do it. You wouldn’t stay late at work every day (neglecting family, your own needs, etc.) if it didn’t provide the desired effect – which I’m guessing is increased income, a jolt of feeling like you are smashing out tasks and carrying the business on your shoulders, etc. You wouldn’t do drugs if they didn’t give you a hit. You wouldn’t look at inappropriate content online if it didn’t provide an escape. You wouldn’t go on food binges unless you got a hit.

The sad reality of addiction is that it is progressive. We need more of the ‘thing’, or stronger versions of it, to provide the same surge of energy or the same numb-out escapism. The drug works – until it doesn’t. It’s an effective treatment – until it isn’t.

Sooner or later, the ‘treatment’ for the addiction is accompanied by side-effects. We notice that our life is affected and that the ‘thing’ is not only failing to provide what it used to, but that our use of the ‘thing’ is succeeding in providing negative circumstances that we don’t want. We decide that we want… or need… to stop.

2 Merely ‘abstaining’ leaves me with un-treated addiction

The difference between addiction and non-addiction is that the non-addict can succeed in staying stopped, or moderating their use such that the side-effects are managed or eliminated. You are not an alcoholic if you can stop drinking entirely, or if you can keep yourself to 1-2 beers every time you drink.

The addict, however, has a tragic problem of not being able to stop or moderate. They may be able to stop for a time, but eventually give back in. They may moderate a time or two, but regularly lose control over the amount.

There’s another difference however that is crucial.

When a non-addict stops using, they feel better. When an addict stops using the thing they crave, they feel horrible. This is called withdrawal, or being in a state called ‘dry drunk’. You may not be using, but you are just gritting your teeth waiting to. Here is the territory of slips, relapses and falling over again.

Addiction demands to be treated – one way or another. The question is: what do you do when the using that used to treat it no longer does, and the abstinence from using doesn’t seem to work either?

Here is the sweet spot that brings people to their knees. They feel they have no direction to go. The drug threatens to kill them via drowning, and abstinence threatens to kill them via dehydration.

3 Knowledge is an ineffective treatment for the addiction

A very attractive pursuit for many who are struggling with addiction is the pursuit of more and more knowledge. Books on addiction. YouTube videos. TED talks. Articles. The idea here is that knowledge is power, and ignorance is weakness. If I’m struggling with addiction, it must be because I don’t know enough about my addiction. Perhaps I need to learn how my childhood trauma has made me a workaholic. Maybe I drink because of this or that. Or maybe I can learn more about how addiction is managed through avoiding triggers, or keeping myself safe.

Here again the distinction between addict and non-addict is key. A non-addict can indeed stop with good reason and good knowledge. They get the tools and use them if needed. And the tools work.

But for the addict, they may have all the tools in the world, all the good reasons to stop, all the life-hacks and strategies, but they just go back to it again and again.

4 Spirit Power is the true sustainable treatment for addiction

12-step spirituality insists that what we truly need is a Higher Power.

The idea here is that instead of fighting the addiction directly via will power or mind power, I surrender to complete defeat and instead commit myself to a course of action (the Steps) that put me in touch with Spirit power.

I set myself on a course of action that involves desperation, surrender, trust, introspection, confession, willingness, restitution, discipline, prayer and service.

And as I progress on this course of action, I suddenly notice that the addictive obsession and compulsion have been sidelined. I am so concentrated on trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others, that my problems are dying of neglect.

This is not ‘curing’ me of addiction as though I could never go back to using.

This is what it means to recover, and be recovered, from the addiction.

one day at a time

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The phrase “one day at a time” is simple and profound. It is a phrase from the world of 12-step recovery, but has a biblical background. Think new manna or new mercies every morning. Or Jesus’ teaching against worrying about tomorrow.

One way to think about what it does mean, is to think about what it doesn’t mean.

The opposite of living one day at a time is to live life under the psychological weight of many or all days. It may indeed be wise to recall the mistakes of the past one wants to avoid repeating. And it is generally accepted wisdom to have aims in life, and to plan for the future. There is a huge difference, however, between the firm wisdom of recalling past errors and making future plans, and the sure insanity of trying to psychologically manage one’s entire life span – or indeed all history – with the limited resources of one’s present daily experience.

It is too much.

And so, as with the alcoholic, we don’t trouble ourselves with fixing every problem that we have at once, and we don’t worry about what may happen tomorrow. We focus. We channel our energies onto the present day.

The alcoholic cannot, meaning they are powerless to, psychologically bear the weight of stopping drinking forever. It is too much to hold in mind their entire journey of recovery. It is enough to focus ‘just for today’. The alcoholic does not concern themselves with ensuring today that they will not drink tomorrow, next week and so on. They concern themselves with the required actions to further their recovery today. They will pray today. They will help another alcoholic today. They will go to a meeting or make a phone call today. They will seek to be kind and loving towards all today.

Like the alcoholic, we are not God that we can look down upon this little cosmic timeline and work out a timeless eternal solution for how to rectify all the problems therein. No, we are at best partners of God, given just enough time, strength and capacity to affect what we can affect today.

This phrase dovetails well with the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Like the past and the future…
Courage to change the things I can
Like today and only today…
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Like remembering to live one day at a time…

help that kills

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Some problems need more than a little ‘help’.

During my work for Tearfund NZ, I learned that some forms of ‘help’ can be harmful when it comes to international aid and development. The well-meaning advice or money given to people facing extreme poverty can have unintended effects.

The example I want to reflect on in this post comes again from my fascination with 12-step recovery.

The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous outlines (pages 20-21) three kinds of drinkers, the “moderate drinker”, the “hard drinker” and finally the “real alcoholic”. The ‘moderate’ drinker can take or leave alcohol with little or no help, so let’s compare the last two, which both need some form of outside help: the ‘hard drinker’ and the ‘real alcoholic’.

The ‘hard drinker’ is described as having “the habit badly”, possibly impaired “physically and mentally”, and potentially destined “to die a few years before his time.” Despite these rather stark symptoms, the hard drinker can nonetheless “stop or moderate” their drinking if they have “a sufficiently strong reason”. The big book goes on to mention, importantly, that this stopping or moderating may be “difficult and troublesome”, and that they “may even need medical attention.”

So then, a fair amount of ‘help’ can get this ‘hard drinker’ sober. Such things as “change of environment, or the warning of a doctor” or learning life strategies or self-control techniques. Acronyms like H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) can help them ‘think’ their way to not drinking.

The ‘real alcoholic’ is different. They may have been a hard or moderate drinker before, but at some point, they “lose all control”. They do “absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking.” The real alcoholic cannot stop, and cannot stay stopped. All the advice or help from a doctor, loved one, friend or community and all of the ‘good reasons’ to stop do not work.

The hard drinker is in trouble and needs help.
The real alcoholic is insane and needs recovery.

The real alcoholic needs a “deep and effective spiritual experience” (p. 25) to revolutionize their “whole attitude toward life… fellows and… God’s universe.”

For me, this is an example of how all of our problems eventually go as deep as infinity. Our ultimate solution, even if we may find useful help for some problems, is ultimately spiritual.

working works

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The AA equivalent of “faith without works is dead” is the slogan “It works if you work it.”

AA recovery rates, despite what you’ll see claimed in various places, are difficult to calculate or evaluate for this very reason: recovery is not an automatic process where something happens ‘to’ me. Rather, recovery depends on work.

There are four logical possibilities when it comes to the two questions of a) whether recovery is working (or not) and b) whether a person is working their program (or not). These four possibilities are worth exploring briefly:

  1. It’s working, and I’m working it. No mystery here. As promised in step 12, they have “a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps”. These folks surrender enough to not only attend meetings, but they work the steps with a sponsor, they do service, they call other members on the phone for mutual support. By helping others, they help themselves. It’s absolute genius.
  2. It’s not working, and I’m not working it. No mystery here either. If you don’t do the work, you won’t see results. Not working “these steps” means no “spiritual awakening”. Pure and simple.
  3. It’s working, but I’m not working it. One knows they are an alcoholic (or an addict of any kind) precisely due to their failure to get and stay sober through any means other than working a program. So then, if 1) a member of AA (for example) is clean and sober as the day is long, and 2) they have attained this ‘working’ sobriety without working the program, it means they have a condition other than ‘addiction’… If you’re not working it, but it is working… you really by definition cannot be an addict. This doesn’t mean you can’t attend AA meetings, but it does mean you need to be very careful with what you say and how you act in meetings, so that you are not ‘carrying’ a different ‘message’ to someone who needs to hear the real message of recovery through working the steps.
  4. It’s not working, but I’m working it. Here we run into the reality that not all ‘working’ is the same. You won’t get sober from alcoholism (or another addiction) by simply doing a lot of ‘working’ in the sense of academic or intensive study and reading up about addiction. Recovery ‘work’ is not simply about head knowledge. Recovery ‘work’ is also not about therapeutic experiences. It has nothing to do with candles, bubble baths, or finding yourself on some intrepid meditation retreat in a distant country. Recovery work is indeed about spirituality, but not some uber specific form of spirituality that can be neatly detached from the grit of the inescapably practical recovery principles. Recovery work – step work – is about spiritual surrender, making a list of your faults, identifying areas you need to change, making things right to people you’ve harmed (after checking your motives!), and resolving to live a life of humility, honesty, spirituality, and service.

It works.
If you work it.

potential & real sinners

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I’m not an alcoholic.
But… I’m a real fan of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The forward to The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (a.k.a. the 12×12) acknowledges that the contents of that book (and AA wisdom more generally) “might arouse interest and find application outside of A.A. itself.” Non-alcoholics who practice the 12 steps report that “they have been able to meet other difficulties of life.” The steps can be “a way to happy and effective living”, regardless of whether one is an alcoholic or not.

drinkers and ‘real alcoholics’

As I look through the AA Big Book and the 12×12 I’m fascinated by a particular distinction made between the “moderate drinker”, the “hard drinker” and the “real alcoholic”. It’s worth quoting directly from the Big Book:

Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it. They can take it or leave it alone.

Then we have a certain type of hard drinker. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time. If a sufficiently strong reason—ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor—becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.

But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.

AA Big Book, 20-21

Note the role of reason in restricting the moderate and hard drinker. Merely “good” reason can regulate the moderate drinker, while it takes “sufficiently strong reason” to stop the hard drinker. Both of them can be stopped with reason. Not so with the real alcoholic. The real alcoholic is immune to all reasons to not drink. Sooner or later, regardless of intermittent and temporary experiences of imagined control, it becomes clear even to them that they cannot stop once they start.

What does this have to do with the interest that people like me, who (as far as they know) are not alcoholics, but who find the Steps and the wisdom of AA useful for living? More specifically still, what does it have to do with a Christian focus on kingdom living?

The connection lies in properly understanding the relationship between addiction and sin.

addiction and sin

There are differences between the two. AA suggests not all people are ‘real alcoholics’ as referred to above. Meanwhile, Christianity contends that all are sinners.

But there are similarities.

The sharp distinction AA makes between alcoholics and non-alcoholics does not mean that no common patterns exist when it comes to the human consumption of alcohol. You don’t have to be a ‘real alcoholic’ to really get into real trouble with alcohol. In fact, Part II of the AA Big Book entirely contains stories of “actual or potential alcoholics” who became convinced that “compulsive alcoholism already had them”. They didn’t want alcoholism to progress like cancer to the state of being “malignant… before seeking help.” They “didn’t want to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us”

Meanwhile, with sin, the fact that Christianity places all of humanity in one sinful boat does not mean that everyone experiences sinfulness in exactly the same way all the time. Some people can see their sin and then repent almost immediately. (This is certainly the recommended strategy for life!) Others struggle with it for a while, experience some mild consequences, and then turn around. Others still, like the lost son in Luke 15, waste their whole inheritance and find their entire lives ruined. In the Christian understanding, sin can grow and develop to the point where it becomes addiction. Repeated behaviour (for good or for ill) becomes habitual, ritualistic, automatic and second nature. The wisest path is to “see the bottom” before you hit it. See the destruction that sin can cause and turn around. Seek God’s love and spirit and kingdom.

So then… the parallels are clear.

I am not any kind of alcoholic (that I know of? yet!?), but I know I am not only a potential sinner, but a real one. Just like an alcoholic needs to work a program or die, so also I need to pursue a live of prayer and service or I’ll wreck my life. I need to pursue the grace and spirit and strength of God, just like a “real alcoholic” must seek escape from alcoholism “with all the desperation of drowning men.”

physical, mental & spiritual recovery

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Addiction, according to Alcoholics Anonymous, involves three levels

Physical Allergy
Mental Obsession
Spiritual Malady

Looking at those in reverse…

The spiritual malady is about not coping with life. We are ‘restless, irritable and discontent’. We can’t accept life on life’s terms. We are forever wanting to force our way on others, or getting angry because things, people or situations aren’t as we wanted. We can’t cope.

The spiritual malady leads to mental obsession. We brim and stew over how others treated us. We feel the victim. We feel hard done by. Not recognised, not respected, not empowered. We engage in ‘stinking thinking’, feeling the world is against us, and we let it eat us up. And we start wanting an escape.

Spiritual malady and mental obsession give way to the physical allergy. This is about the effect that our drug of choice (alcohol for alcoholics) has on us. Alcohol destroys alcoholics. Drugs kill their users. And so on. The addict, enmeshed in spiritual disease and mental obsession, can’t have ‘just a little bit’ of their drug. They give themselves to it in ways that others don’t.

I’m not an alcoholic, but I relate to this. And I think we all can actually.

At some level, we all wish we ran the world.
At some level, we all stew on how unfair life is.
At some level, we all escape into some ‘drug’.

Even if we don’t engage those ‘drugs’ in compulsive ways, they can still be problematic. And even if we aren’t proper addicts, the reality of addictive tendencies in most or all of us means we can use the wisdom of recovery.

Step 1 deals to the physical allergy
Step 2 deals to the mental obsession
Step 3 deals to the spiritual malady

Step 1 says ‘we were powerless over alcohol’ (or whatever drug). It’s not that alcohol itself is the problem, but the powerlessness over it. It’s the allergic reaction that the drug causes. For the social media user, it’s the endless hours wasted – high quantities of scrolling and low quality of living. Step one is about admitting this. The physical situation isn’t good.

Step 2 says we can ‘be restored to sanity’. It’s not just about behaviour, it’s that we have problems at the mental level. Some level of ‘insanity’ is at work in our thinking. Addict or not, we can get into endless feedback loops, self-fulfilling prophecies and eternal victimhood. Mentally, we are not well.

Step 3 says we ‘turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood God’. This is not behaviour modification. This is nothing short of spiritual surrender. My will for my life isn’t working. I need a new plan. I need a new power. I need a new life. More of ‘me’ won’t help.

These are some of the deep parallels between Recovery and Christianity.
Not surprising given the Christian roots of the recovery movement.
These are some of the ways that kingdom flourishing is recovered in our lives.