Tag: amends

bad remorse?

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, gives incredibly simple, practical and transformative guidance for daily rhythms of prayer and meditation. Instructions are given for how to pray and meditate a) to start the day (“Upon awakening…”), b) during the day (“As we go through the day…), and c) as you finish the day (“When we retire at night…”). It’s brilliant stuff.

The advice on how to finish the day suggests we “constructively review” the day. This is very similar to the Examen prayer familiar to some Christians. It is, however, less generally focused on ‘where did I sense God’s grace today’ and more specifically inquisitive – asking us to look for when we may have been “resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid” at any point. It leads us to bring this to God and ask for what we might do to correct this.

It then has some great advice about making sure this review is constructive rather than self-destructive. It says: “But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection…” Why not, you may ask? The advice continues and answers, “…for that would diminish our usefulness to others.” (p. 86)

When I’m obsessed about myself, even my own failures, I’m really no use to anyone.

The word ‘remorse’ jumps out at me. Isn’t ‘remorse’ a good thing for those who have done something wrong? What is meant by this guidance about avoiding ‘remorse’?

Dictionary.com has this helpful discussion of the Latin root for the word ‘remorse’:

In Latin, mordere means “to bite;” thus, remorse is something that “gnaws” at you over and over. In criminal court, judges are always looking for signs that a convicted felon is suffering remorse for his crime; if not, the judge may well lengthen his sentence or deny him parole after serving part of it. Remorse is stronger than mere regret; real remorse is the kind of thing that may last a lifetime.

The wisdom of the AA Big Book’s guidance becomes instantly clear. This kind of ‘remorse’ is far more than admitting, acknowledging and amending for past wrongs. It is a continual ‘biting’ of self that is hopelessly self-focused, self-pitying, self-obsessed, and ultimately self-destructive.

One final reflection on the judge and sentencing metaphor may be helpful.

It’s true that judges consider remorse as they weigh up appropriate sentencing. I think this is true socially as well. If a politician is caught doing something wrong and isn’t ‘remorseful’ enough, they are seen to be arrogant and not appropriately sorry, and likely to do the same thing again. Social discourse is quick to pounce on anyone who is not publicly and severely ashamed of themselves.

There can be an unintended dynamic that results from such understandable social judgmentalism. Wrongdoers know what is coming if their situation is to become known, and they anticipate and internalise the judgment upon themselves. They are quietly killing themselves even as they continue in the wrong. Another thing that can happen is that remorse can be performative. We perform remorse to assure our critics that we are sufficiently horrified at ourselves. But performative remorse is self-protective and not transformative.

The AA Big Book strikes a profound balance. Wrongdoing of any kind is to be weeded out with the utmost vigilance and humility. But such weeding must be ‘constructive’ and transformative. It is not about protecting oneself from public shame, or proving to them (or yourself) how sorry you are and demonstrating the high level of justifiable hate you have for yourself. Obsessing about how bad, stupid, foolish or wrong you were is really of no use to anyone.

What is of use to everyone, including ourselves, is simple, and far less dramatic and sensational. Admitting and seeking to amend your wrongs.

the backspace button

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

I love hammering that backspace button. I use it. I abuse it. If something comes out in a way I don’t like it, I smash that key and redo it.

As a kid, we had an old mechanical typewriter. Ribbons. Ink. That sound. Shunk, shunk, shunk. Shunk shunk. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. (That’s the sound of making the carriage ‘return’ to beginning of the line) Shunk. Shunk shunk.

I feel like as a modern society we’ve gotten used to being able to (seemingly) easily undo things. I found it frustrating recently when trying to do a long series of ‘undo-ing’ on a PowerPoint presentation. Why, I asked myself, had this machine forgotten the progression of my work such that I couldn’t just go back at any time to the point I wanted to?

I wonder if we treat life like that a bit? If we don’t like something – hit the big red button. Delete. Undo. Backspace.

In some ways this is a very good thing. We don’t have to fear errors.

If you were so cursed as to make a mistake on an old typewriter, there was a litany of solutions we went through. At one point you had to hold some sheet of white stuff against the page, and type the exact same character in the exact same place. Or then there was liquid white out. Then there was correction tape. It was a lot of work.

((wait, does anyone remember word-processor machines? Like those weird in-between devices between typewriters and computers??))

It’s better now. Mistakes are gloriously undo-able. That kind of attitude has positive echoes in life for those who live accordingly. My mistakes, my errors and sins, are not the end of the world. Neither need be the misdeeds of others. It can be amended, forgiven, gotten past, put aside, or otherwise dealt with through the application of relational white out. Spiritual correction tape. The loving backspace button.

But there’s a downside. Sometimes errors are not so easily fixed. Damage is done and can’t be redone. There’s probably no need to give examples here. Sometimes an error leaves a permanent mark, an unfillable hole, an indelible stamp.

In the Christian faith, there is a striking balance when it comes to mistakes, evil, damage and sin. The harm from wrongdoing is to be put aside as quickly and routinely as possible. But there is acknowledgement that some groans will continue until the new creation.

Maybe this can give us a helpful posture of fearless caution as we navigate life. On the one hand typing our way thorough life shouldn’t feel like walking a tightrope. We can get things wrong, and get past them. And yet. We shouldn’t plonk down letters and words and strike the keyboard of live with reckless abandon. We should take care.

Happy typing to us all.