Tag: recovery

tired? or just willful?

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

There are different kinds of tired.

After a full day of hard physical work – I feel tired. Appropriate physical feelings after building a deck, assembling a sleepout, what-have-you.

After a hard workout, one feels the satisfying exhaustion of caring for their physical health.

There are other forms of tired that I have absolutely no expertise to comment on. I don’t know a thing about chronic fatigue syndrome or other conditions where people experience physical, emotional or mental tiredness for specific reasons – or unknown ones. I’d be horrified if any of those people read what follows and felt that any of it was naively directed at them.

The type of tiredness I am about to write about, however, is understood to be a quite common thing among humans. The best way to describe it is to quote from the AA Big Book. The quote I will share (a bit later below) comes from the very end of the chapter called ‘Into Action’. The author (chiefly Bill Wilson) has just finished laying out the first 11 of the 12 steps, saving the following chapter entirely for step 12.

That context is important, so let me give just a tad more detail. The preceding material covering steps 1-11 has identified “selfishness – self-centeredness” as the fundamental element of the “spiritual malady” that underlies alcohol (and other forms) of addiction. The spiritual malady, importantly, is not unique to addicts or alcoholics. When, long before the quote I will share below, the Big Book illustrates the problem of trying to live, selfishly, by self-will, it uses the (now infamous) metaphor of the “actor trying to run the whole show”. And it is careful to point out that this self will does not only manifest in obviously selfish behaviour, but (perhaps most tragically of all) when the actor is trying to be helpful, make the world a better place, protect people from harm, encourage people to vote the right way, preach or teach good values to people, or to otherwise make the show better. We are most willful when we are convinced we are right.

Crucially, it doesn’t say that the alcoholic alone is like this kind of actor, but rather it says “Most people try to live by self-propulsion.” (emphasis added)

Not just addicts. “Most people”.

Most of us, therefore, can relate to the problem of self-will, selfishness, and the spiritual malady. Most of us can relate, therefore, to the programme and solution offered in the form of surrender (steps 1-3), discovery of personal defects of character and partnering with God to remove them (steps 4-7), becoming a person who can admit their wrongs and make amends (steps 8-9), and continued improvement at humility, spirituality and service (steps 10-12).

So then, the quote I’m just about to share comes after the great sweep of steps 1-11, which have emphasized again and again the need to deal to the underlying self-will behind their spiritual malady. It is about what I’m going to call spiritual tiredness. It describes the transformative effect of freedom that comes when one does the simple spiritual work of steps 1-11.

We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

Under the lash of the spiritual malady, we ‘burn up’ all kinds of energy in the foolishness of trying to control the world, politics, social justice. It’s not that it’s inappropriate to be involved actively in the world and do our part. This kind of spiritual tiredness results from trying to control, to manage (or micro-manage) others, to ‘run the whole show’.

It’s too much. It’s exhausting. And was never our job.

To finish on a very simple Christian and biblical note, the essence here is I think quite aligned with what Jesus offers when he says (my paraphrase / misquotation) “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened. Take my yoke upon you, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

When I let God be God, and focus on just doing the part that he has for me, I do not tire so easily. I don’t suffer from spiritual exhaustion. I can calmly, sanely, soberly and efficiently just do my part.

stuck v. free

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

The journey from being stuck to being free is perhaps one of the most basic of all trajectories for human development.

Perhaps one of the most ancient and foundational narratives that give colour to this trajectory is the Exodus. The Israelites go from being brutally enslaved in Egypt to being free in the promised land. The complex and protracted nature of their arrival in the promised land only adds further colour to the trajectory. As the preachers say, it took a single night to get Israel out of Egypt, but an entire generation to get Egypt out of Israel.

Depending on where you live and what your relationship is with various ideas or traditions, you may put different labels to what you find enslaving and what you have found freeing. Some examples could be:

  • feeling enslaved by moral failures and finding freedom in forgiveness and grace
  • feeling enslaved by guilt and shame and finding freedom in people who have felt the same as you
  • feeling enslaved by rules and finding freedom in autonomy
  • feeling enslaved by chaos and finding freedom in order
  • feeling enslaved by religion and finding freedom in secularism
  • feeling enslaved by meaninglessness and finding freedom in tradition
  • feeling enslaved by others and finding freedom in self
  • feeling enslaved by isolation and finding freedom in community

As the list shows, sometimes the very same thing that one person associates with slavery can be associated by another with freedom. As is sometimes said, freedom ‘from’ is not necessarily freedom ‘for’.

12-step spirituality is about a the trajectory away from the slavery of addiction and the freedom of recovery.

You might say that 12-step spirituality is designed to take an addict down to the deepest level of their slavery and take them to the deepest kind of freedom.

  • The physical level is the surface level
    • there is the slavery of using the drug (or engaging in the behaviour) again and again, and the freedom of not using
      • This level does not touch the real nature of addiction. Unless the deeper levels are addressed, addicts can abstain for varying lengths of time before they use again.
  • The mental level is near the surface
    • there is a kind of slavery to ‘addict thinking’ which is obsessive, disordered, and ‘insane’, and the promise of the freedom of being restored to sanity.
      • This too still falls short of the heart of addiction and recovery. There are very helpful insights (“You know, addiction thrives in isolation, I was watching this great TED talk…”), slogans (“stinking thinking”; “one day at a time” or “remember to reach out”), or acronyms (“When you want to drink, remember H.A.L.T. and ask yourself if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired…”). But one of the prime features of addiction is forgetting all the good reasons or the pain that addictive behaviour brings. Relying on memory isn’t enough for a real addict.
  • The spiritual level is where the steps focus.
    • The ultimate need is to overcome a focus on (and defense of) self that is warped by resentment, fear, and the inability to clearly see when I have harmed others (even if they may have harmed me). This excessive focus on the self is the real slavery. The real freedom promised by the steps is a life of humble service to others. An addict working the steps is liberated from the resentful blindness to any harms they have done, and into the capacity to humbly see and make amends for how they have hurt others.

To put it as succinctly as possible: a) the journey from being stuck in addiction to being free in recovery is tethered via an unbreakable spiritual cord to b) the journey from being stuck in self-justifying resentment to being free in humble amends and service to others.

To finish, here is a paragraph from the AA Big Book which summarises the need for a spiritual overcoming of selfish resentment in order to find deep recovery.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again.

entirely devoted

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

The King James version of 2 Chronicles 16:9 reads like this:

For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him.

It’s a famous little verse, wrapped in the middle of a critique that the prophet Hanani issues to king Asa for relying on human strength instead of divine strength. Asa had a heart problem.

But what about that little word ‘perfect’? What’s going on there? Does God require ‘perfection’ in matters like this, or in general? Why would someone with a perfect heart need God to be strong for them? Aren’t they already perfect?

We could rightly point out that this is not some kind of unattainable Greek, mathematical, mechanical ‘perfection’ that is in view here. It is instead the complete, total and absolute orientation to God. Like when an Olympic athlete, skilled woodworker, tailor or electrician puts aside all distractions and focuses ‘entirely’ on the difficult task they are doing.

There are three components to the verse: The searching eyes of the Lord, the state of human hearts, and the resulting strength from God. Other translations swap out the word ‘perfect’ for ‘fully committed’, ‘blameless’, ‘fully devoted’, ‘loyal’ or ‘completely his’.

Some things in life are a spectrum like a dimmer switch, and other things are either/or, like a on/off switch. When a carpenter strikes a nail with a hammer, they either hit it or they miss (note: a miss also includes hitting it wrongly and bending the nail!). Careful, diligent focus on the nail head is required for the nail to be driven. With that kind of ‘perfect’ focus, the power of the hammer can be effective.

So then, this is less about some kind of ‘make sure you’re good so that God will love you’ kind of moralism or legalism. This is about the spiritual law that there is no transformation without our participation.

The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous touch on this principle in step 6: “(we) Were entirely ready to have God remove from us all these defects of character.” For God to do the removing of the defects (discovered through the inventory of step 4 and disclosed to God, self and another in step 5), I must be ‘entirely ready’; and my actions must show this. God moves mountains, but I must bring a shovel.

God’s power to protect or transform is never forced upon us. It is released when we position ourselves in alignment to God and his loving purposes for his world. As Augustine said, without God, we ‘cannot’. But God ‘will not’ without us.

from the bondage of self

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When an alcoholic is working the 12 steps using the guidance of the ‘Big Book’ of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am told that it is traditional to pray the “Third Step Prayer” found in Chapter 5 ‘How It Works’. Here is the full prayer:

“God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!’’

There is clearly much to appreciate about this prayer, but in this blog I want to do two things. First, I want to zero in on the significance of one line “Relieve me of the bondage of self”; and Second, I want to use the Lord’s Prayer to demonstrate how it is a prayer that asks the same thing.

The Self

The AA Big Book has a lot to say about an addictive focus on ‘self’. “Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows…” (bold and italics not in original) It says “the alcoholic is an example of self-will run riot.” In one of the appendices, there is a quote from Dr. W. W. Bauer, who observes that helping other fellow alcoholics creates an atmosphere in which “the alcoholic often overcomes his excessive concentration upon himself.”

Modern psychologists may sometimes take issue with what could seem like a negative view of the self in such language. But if we are read these quotes as intended, we can see that it is not the self, as such, that is being critiqued, but the ‘excessive’ focus upon self. ‘Self’ is not the problem, but selfishness. The AA Big Book wants the alcoholic to see that even when trying to be ‘good’ their self-will is at play. Such is the description of the ‘actor’ trying to ‘run the whole show’: “Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind?”

This wisdom about a counter-productive self-focus is behind one of my favourite lines in the prayer: “Relieve me of the bondage of self.” Through the spiritual programme of action outline in the 12-steps, the alcoholic or addict is guided through a process by which their excessive focus on themselves is relieved by the aid of a Power greater than (who?) themselves.

The Lord’s Prayer

I’d now like to translate this wisdom into Christian key. Of course, it is well known that the Christian faith was the spiritual garden out of which the principles of AA were harvested. Frank Buchman, the Lutheran minister, had his transformational experience with resentment, which led to him establishing the ‘First Century Christian Fellowship’ later known as the ‘Oxford Group’, whose 6 principles were expanded into 12 steps by Bill Wilson and the early AA fellowship.

So, although, it is not needed to re-translate any of this back into Christian faith, it might at least be interesting or useful to show how the Lord’s Prayer relates to this line from the Third Step prayer (indeed the entire prayer!); particularly given that the early AA groups used to open or close their meetings with the Lord’s Prayer (and some still do).

  • Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
    • Right from the start, my focus on self is violently interrupted by shifting and lifting my spiritual gaze off of my self and onto another. Not just any ‘other’, but the ultimate Other. Consider how the same shift can at least be somewhat attempted in the practice of someone who does not believe in any traditional Monotheistic God. Take a practitioner of yoga (which I am neither criticizing nor commending here). Through their practice of breathing, exercise, community and spiritual worldview, they also shift their focus from their individual self onto their body, the others they might be exercising with, and indeed the Universe. Stresses and difficult mental states are at least temporarily put aside as one focuses on higher and wider things than their self. Monotheism simply takes this as far as the logic can lead – to an ultimate Other, the un-caused Cause behind all causality, the One Creator of all things.
  • Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
    • In contrast to the self-will that wants to run the whole show of life, and aggressively or passive-aggressively trying to get others to do what we think they ought to do, this part of the prayer acknowledges that there are higher laws and higher wills and a higher order of things than mine. I do not need to, and indeed I cannot live well if I persist in trying to, play God. Even the agnostic can at least sense a comparable shift when they acknowledge the vast order of natural law in the Universe. We are but a small part in the whole. Monotheism simply recognises that this higher order is not the an order characterised by ‘blind, pitiless, indifference’ as Richard Dawkins famously wrote, but rather by a purposeful, creational and ‘kingly’ or royal will.
  • Give us this day our daily bread
    • One of the basic fears that a fragile self can have is around the fear of financial insecurity. We fear not being able to secure means for ourselves, and for those who may depend on us. Food security experts talk about the difference between a ‘scarcity’ or ‘abundance’ mindset. One can base their positive affirmation of abundance on factual appreciations of the wealth of resources available to us. This prayer just rests this confidence on the ground of a generous God.
  • And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
    • One of the most profound contributions of the AA Big Book is the focus on cleaning one’s own side of the street. We have many resentments against the wrongs others have done. Sometimes these resentments are essentially justified and we have truly been harmed. However, the wisdom here, is that even an innocent victim can get stuck in justified resentment. As the saying goes, “holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” I cannot change the other person who hurt me (in my case, as a young child). I can only focus on changing myself, particularly the ways that I nourish my sense of victimhood and keep the fires of resentment enflamed. Forgiveness, in this context, has nothing to do with absolving or excusing or minimising the harm done to me; nor should it keep me from taking any appropriate action to protect myself or others from present or future harm. It is simply ‘giving’ them up out of my death grip of judgment. The wisdom here is very challenging, because never does the self feel more righteous than when criticizing another for legitimate harms done (think of Israel or Hamas). Whatever forgiveness may do for the one who is forgiven, it is undeniably transformative for the one doing the forgiving.
  • And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the Evil One.
    • Here the prayer follows on directly from the previous line. Unforgiving and merciless criticism of another person, and most of all the victim mentality too often leads to various forms of verbal, physical or military retaliation or vengeance. For others, it could lead to various forms of escapism as we feel entitled to a mental or moral holiday. We’ve been harmed, mis-represented, ignored, abandoned, so “Screw ‘them’; they have it coming.” Or “Screw ‘it’, I’m going to numb out…” with food, work, sex, drink or self-harm. Such escalations or self-harm are named here as temptations driven by a force that is malevolent, destructive, anti-creational, counter-productive, distorting, enslaving and thus ‘Evil’.
  • For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, Amen.
    • My life, my future, my past and present; and the history and activities in the whole world, are all subsumed within a higher order that will be ‘just fine’. This is not the well-meaning distant dualism of hoping that ‘God is watching us… from a distance.’ It is the dogged, insistent hope in the reality of a loving Father who can sort out the baddies ‘out there’, and who is constantly and compassionately available to help me with my fearful and vulnerable badness ‘in here’. God is the one who provides, rules, understands, judges and heals. I need that every day.

So then,
Father of all Creation,
today and every day,
relieve me of the bondage of self.
Make me a vessel of reconciling love
to some of your children today.
Amen.

many times each day

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

Praying regularly is the best way to perfect and improve one’s spiritual life.
We learn to pray properly by praying less than properly.

The timing and frequency of our prayers will vary from person to person.
There is no ‘perfect rhythm’ of prayer.

Popular Christian piety suggests a daily prayer, also called a ‘quiet time’.
Some Christian traditions practice twice-daily prayers: ‘matins’ and ‘vespers’ (or morning and evening prayer); and many Buddhists do morning and evening chants.
Islam requires adherents to pray five times a day.
Cistercian monks pray seven times a day; outdone by Benedictine monks with eight prayer hours.

Praying once, twice, five, seven or eight times a day is great…

But I just don’t think that is enough, at least for me…
(A good Christian, Buddhist, Muslim or Monk will agree.)

I have to keep praying ‘unceasing’ prayers, processing life with God as it happens.

Recovering alcoholics who are working a programme from the guidance of the AA Big Book will heed the following advice for spiritually navigating a day:

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbling saying to ourselves [in truth, it is a prayer that is said to God!] many times each day ‘Thy will be done.’ ” (AA Big Book, 87-88)

This practice, conceived by people famous for their struggles, best echoes the admonition of St Paul, who wrote that the will of God for us is to “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:16).

Because of the simultaneous fragility and dominance of my ego, I have to pray.
All the time.

the opposite of the serenity prayer

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The beauty and poignance of the Serenity Prayer is evident, and known to many a 12-step addict.

God,
grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
Courage
to change the things I can
and the Wisdom
to know the difference.

It is a sanity-inducing prayer.
But what about the insanity that it opposes?
That kind of insanity flows not from prayer…
but from self-focused, self-seeking thinking.
Something like…

Self,
keep me in the Chaos
that refuses to accept things I cannot change
Fear
that blocks my efforts to manage myself
and the Insanity
to keep judging others and justifying myself.

fashionable help

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

In my arrogance…
I don’t want help that looks to simply like help…
I don’t want help that makes me look too desperate…
I wouldn’t want anyone to think I really needed help…
I’d rather be seen as someone who is a smug curator of the most desirable help.

In my arrogance…
I want fashionable help.

In my arrogance…
“I lift my eyes up.
Up to the mountains.
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from…”
Things that sound cool…
Things I can wear like fashion accessories…
Things like “12 step spirituality”
or “neuroscience”
or the scintillating book quotes I might drop…

What about people whose help is… God?
What about people who find it helpful to listen to Christian top-40 worship music?
What about people whose help is saying the serenity prayer?

Instead of arrogance…
intelligent help for intelligent people…
trendy help for trendy people…

What about simple help for simple people…

Lord make me humble.
Make me a servant.

the sneaky allure of selfishness

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I’m a prayer guy, and I’m a fan of 12-step spirituality.

So one of the resources I use for prayer is the guidance offered in the AA Big Book for step 11.

It suggests some patterns of meditation and prayer “upon awakening”. Here’s the first bit of advice…

“On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.”

AA Big Book, page 86

I am in awe of how practical this advice is. If I’m not directed by God, I will eventually (or immediately!) drift into spiritually unhelpful ways of thinking about my day. It mentions three huge categories of bad day-planning: “self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.”

In my insecurity, I can lapse into the self-pity of imagining how certain situations may not go my way, or dreading the experience today of the effects of having been wronged yesterday.

In my self-protecting fear, I can drift into dishonesty, looking at the day ahead with a distorted lens that lies to myself by exaggerating the good that I think I might do, or minimising the mistakes I may make.

In my grandiosity (itself a product of insecurity), I can wade into the waters of imagining how impressively I might perform in this or that situation.

Later on in these couple of pages of advice, the AA big book has a strong suggestion around making our prayers that are oriented to being useful to others.

We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn’t work. You can easily see why.

AA Big Book, page 87

I don’t think it is theologically wrong to pray for ourselves, of course. But it is not hard to see the wisdom of this advice. Our thinking about the day, and our ways of going about the day itself, are quickly distorted by self-focused motives. Heck, I can find myself drifting into worry, fear or self-protecting resentment even during a time of prayer itself!

The advice here is to always remember our priority of being useful to others. That is damned good advice.

true treatment

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Maybe you are, specifically, an alcoholic. Maybe, like the rest of us, you can identify (a little or a lot) with the language and experience of addiction to some-‘thing’. Here’s something of a progression of how we become aware of our patterns, and how we can find relief and recovery from them.

1 The ‘thing’ is an effective ‘treatment’ – until it isn’t

It may sound odd to speak about alcohol as an ‘effective treatment’ for alcoholism, but in a very important sense this is true. At least for a certain period, a drug (alcohol, cocaine, work, sex, food, etc.) does something for you at some level. Whatever your ‘thing’ is, it treats the addiction, or you wouldn’t do it. You wouldn’t stay late at work every day (neglecting family, your own needs, etc.) if it didn’t provide the desired effect – which I’m guessing is increased income, a jolt of feeling like you are smashing out tasks and carrying the business on your shoulders, etc. You wouldn’t do drugs if they didn’t give you a hit. You wouldn’t look at inappropriate content online if it didn’t provide an escape. You wouldn’t go on food binges unless you got a hit.

The sad reality of addiction is that it is progressive. We need more of the ‘thing’, or stronger versions of it, to provide the same surge of energy or the same numb-out escapism. The drug works – until it doesn’t. It’s an effective treatment – until it isn’t.

Sooner or later, the ‘treatment’ for the addiction is accompanied by side-effects. We notice that our life is affected and that the ‘thing’ is not only failing to provide what it used to, but that our use of the ‘thing’ is succeeding in providing negative circumstances that we don’t want. We decide that we want… or need… to stop.

2 Merely ‘abstaining’ leaves me with un-treated addiction

The difference between addiction and non-addiction is that the non-addict can succeed in staying stopped, or moderating their use such that the side-effects are managed or eliminated. You are not an alcoholic if you can stop drinking entirely, or if you can keep yourself to 1-2 beers every time you drink.

The addict, however, has a tragic problem of not being able to stop or moderate. They may be able to stop for a time, but eventually give back in. They may moderate a time or two, but regularly lose control over the amount.

There’s another difference however that is crucial.

When a non-addict stops using, they feel better. When an addict stops using the thing they crave, they feel horrible. This is called withdrawal, or being in a state called ‘dry drunk’. You may not be using, but you are just gritting your teeth waiting to. Here is the territory of slips, relapses and falling over again.

Addiction demands to be treated – one way or another. The question is: what do you do when the using that used to treat it no longer does, and the abstinence from using doesn’t seem to work either?

Here is the sweet spot that brings people to their knees. They feel they have no direction to go. The drug threatens to kill them via drowning, and abstinence threatens to kill them via dehydration.

3 Knowledge is an ineffective treatment for the addiction

A very attractive pursuit for many who are struggling with addiction is the pursuit of more and more knowledge. Books on addiction. YouTube videos. TED talks. Articles. The idea here is that knowledge is power, and ignorance is weakness. If I’m struggling with addiction, it must be because I don’t know enough about my addiction. Perhaps I need to learn how my childhood trauma has made me a workaholic. Maybe I drink because of this or that. Or maybe I can learn more about how addiction is managed through avoiding triggers, or keeping myself safe.

Here again the distinction between addict and non-addict is key. A non-addict can indeed stop with good reason and good knowledge. They get the tools and use them if needed. And the tools work.

But for the addict, they may have all the tools in the world, all the good reasons to stop, all the life-hacks and strategies, but they just go back to it again and again.

4 Spirit Power is the true sustainable treatment for addiction

12-step spirituality insists that what we truly need is a Higher Power.

The idea here is that instead of fighting the addiction directly via will power or mind power, I surrender to complete defeat and instead commit myself to a course of action (the Steps) that put me in touch with Spirit power.

I set myself on a course of action that involves desperation, surrender, trust, introspection, confession, willingness, restitution, discipline, prayer and service.

And as I progress on this course of action, I suddenly notice that the addictive obsession and compulsion have been sidelined. I am so concentrated on trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others, that my problems are dying of neglect.

This is not ‘curing’ me of addiction as though I could never go back to using.

This is what it means to recover, and be recovered, from the addiction.

one day at a time

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The phrase “one day at a time” is simple and profound. It is a phrase from the world of 12-step recovery, but has a biblical background. Think new manna or new mercies every morning. Or Jesus’ teaching against worrying about tomorrow.

One way to think about what it does mean, is to think about what it doesn’t mean.

The opposite of living one day at a time is to live life under the psychological weight of many or all days. It may indeed be wise to recall the mistakes of the past one wants to avoid repeating. And it is generally accepted wisdom to have aims in life, and to plan for the future. There is a huge difference, however, between the firm wisdom of recalling past errors and making future plans, and the sure insanity of trying to psychologically manage one’s entire life span – or indeed all history – with the limited resources of one’s present daily experience.

It is too much.

And so, as with the alcoholic, we don’t trouble ourselves with fixing every problem that we have at once, and we don’t worry about what may happen tomorrow. We focus. We channel our energies onto the present day.

The alcoholic cannot, meaning they are powerless to, psychologically bear the weight of stopping drinking forever. It is too much to hold in mind their entire journey of recovery. It is enough to focus ‘just for today’. The alcoholic does not concern themselves with ensuring today that they will not drink tomorrow, next week and so on. They concern themselves with the required actions to further their recovery today. They will pray today. They will help another alcoholic today. They will go to a meeting or make a phone call today. They will seek to be kind and loving towards all today.

Like the alcoholic, we are not God that we can look down upon this little cosmic timeline and work out a timeless eternal solution for how to rectify all the problems therein. No, we are at best partners of God, given just enough time, strength and capacity to affect what we can affect today.

This phrase dovetails well with the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Like the past and the future…
Courage to change the things I can
Like today and only today…
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Like remembering to live one day at a time…