Tag: selfishness

tired? or just willful?

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

There are different kinds of tired.

After a full day of hard physical work – I feel tired. Appropriate physical feelings after building a deck, assembling a sleepout, what-have-you.

After a hard workout, one feels the satisfying exhaustion of caring for their physical health.

There are other forms of tired that I have absolutely no expertise to comment on. I don’t know a thing about chronic fatigue syndrome or other conditions where people experience physical, emotional or mental tiredness for specific reasons – or unknown ones. I’d be horrified if any of those people read what follows and felt that any of it was naively directed at them.

The type of tiredness I am about to write about, however, is understood to be a quite common thing among humans. The best way to describe it is to quote from the AA Big Book. The quote I will share (a bit later below) comes from the very end of the chapter called ‘Into Action’. The author (chiefly Bill Wilson) has just finished laying out the first 11 of the 12 steps, saving the following chapter entirely for step 12.

That context is important, so let me give just a tad more detail. The preceding material covering steps 1-11 has identified “selfishness – self-centeredness” as the fundamental element of the “spiritual malady” that underlies alcohol (and other forms) of addiction. The spiritual malady, importantly, is not unique to addicts or alcoholics. When, long before the quote I will share below, the Big Book illustrates the problem of trying to live, selfishly, by self-will, it uses the (now infamous) metaphor of the “actor trying to run the whole show”. And it is careful to point out that this self will does not only manifest in obviously selfish behaviour, but (perhaps most tragically of all) when the actor is trying to be helpful, make the world a better place, protect people from harm, encourage people to vote the right way, preach or teach good values to people, or to otherwise make the show better. We are most willful when we are convinced we are right.

Crucially, it doesn’t say that the alcoholic alone is like this kind of actor, but rather it says “Most people try to live by self-propulsion.” (emphasis added)

Not just addicts. “Most people”.

Most of us, therefore, can relate to the problem of self-will, selfishness, and the spiritual malady. Most of us can relate, therefore, to the programme and solution offered in the form of surrender (steps 1-3), discovery of personal defects of character and partnering with God to remove them (steps 4-7), becoming a person who can admit their wrongs and make amends (steps 8-9), and continued improvement at humility, spirituality and service (steps 10-12).

So then, the quote I’m just about to share comes after the great sweep of steps 1-11, which have emphasized again and again the need to deal to the underlying self-will behind their spiritual malady. It is about what I’m going to call spiritual tiredness. It describes the transformative effect of freedom that comes when one does the simple spiritual work of steps 1-11.

We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

Under the lash of the spiritual malady, we ‘burn up’ all kinds of energy in the foolishness of trying to control the world, politics, social justice. It’s not that it’s inappropriate to be involved actively in the world and do our part. This kind of spiritual tiredness results from trying to control, to manage (or micro-manage) others, to ‘run the whole show’.

It’s too much. It’s exhausting. And was never our job.

To finish on a very simple Christian and biblical note, the essence here is I think quite aligned with what Jesus offers when he says (my paraphrase / misquotation) “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened. Take my yoke upon you, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

When I let God be God, and focus on just doing the part that he has for me, I do not tire so easily. I don’t suffer from spiritual exhaustion. I can calmly, sanely, soberly and efficiently just do my part.

bad remorse?

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, gives incredibly simple, practical and transformative guidance for daily rhythms of prayer and meditation. Instructions are given for how to pray and meditate a) to start the day (“Upon awakening…”), b) during the day (“As we go through the day…), and c) as you finish the day (“When we retire at night…”). It’s brilliant stuff.

The advice on how to finish the day suggests we “constructively review” the day. This is very similar to the Examen prayer familiar to some Christians. It is, however, less generally focused on ‘where did I sense God’s grace today’ and more specifically inquisitive – asking us to look for when we may have been “resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid” at any point. It leads us to bring this to God and ask for what we might do to correct this.

It then has some great advice about making sure this review is constructive rather than self-destructive. It says: “But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection…” Why not, you may ask? The advice continues and answers, “…for that would diminish our usefulness to others.” (p. 86)

When I’m obsessed about myself, even my own failures, I’m really no use to anyone.

The word ‘remorse’ jumps out at me. Isn’t ‘remorse’ a good thing for those who have done something wrong? What is meant by this guidance about avoiding ‘remorse’?

Dictionary.com has this helpful discussion of the Latin root for the word ‘remorse’:

In Latin, mordere means “to bite;” thus, remorse is something that “gnaws” at you over and over. In criminal court, judges are always looking for signs that a convicted felon is suffering remorse for his crime; if not, the judge may well lengthen his sentence or deny him parole after serving part of it. Remorse is stronger than mere regret; real remorse is the kind of thing that may last a lifetime.

The wisdom of the AA Big Book’s guidance becomes instantly clear. This kind of ‘remorse’ is far more than admitting, acknowledging and amending for past wrongs. It is a continual ‘biting’ of self that is hopelessly self-focused, self-pitying, self-obsessed, and ultimately self-destructive.

One final reflection on the judge and sentencing metaphor may be helpful.

It’s true that judges consider remorse as they weigh up appropriate sentencing. I think this is true socially as well. If a politician is caught doing something wrong and isn’t ‘remorseful’ enough, they are seen to be arrogant and not appropriately sorry, and likely to do the same thing again. Social discourse is quick to pounce on anyone who is not publicly and severely ashamed of themselves.

There can be an unintended dynamic that results from such understandable social judgmentalism. Wrongdoers know what is coming if their situation is to become known, and they anticipate and internalise the judgment upon themselves. They are quietly killing themselves even as they continue in the wrong. Another thing that can happen is that remorse can be performative. We perform remorse to assure our critics that we are sufficiently horrified at ourselves. But performative remorse is self-protective and not transformative.

The AA Big Book strikes a profound balance. Wrongdoing of any kind is to be weeded out with the utmost vigilance and humility. But such weeding must be ‘constructive’ and transformative. It is not about protecting oneself from public shame, or proving to them (or yourself) how sorry you are and demonstrating the high level of justifiable hate you have for yourself. Obsessing about how bad, stupid, foolish or wrong you were is really of no use to anyone.

What is of use to everyone, including ourselves, is simple, and far less dramatic and sensational. Admitting and seeking to amend your wrongs.

the sneaky allure of selfishness

~ dwc ~ Leave a comment

I’m a prayer guy, and I’m a fan of 12-step spirituality.

So one of the resources I use for prayer is the guidance offered in the AA Big Book for step 11.

It suggests some patterns of meditation and prayer “upon awakening”. Here’s the first bit of advice…

“On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.”

AA Big Book, page 86

I am in awe of how practical this advice is. If I’m not directed by God, I will eventually (or immediately!) drift into spiritually unhelpful ways of thinking about my day. It mentions three huge categories of bad day-planning: “self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.”

In my insecurity, I can lapse into the self-pity of imagining how certain situations may not go my way, or dreading the experience today of the effects of having been wronged yesterday.

In my self-protecting fear, I can drift into dishonesty, looking at the day ahead with a distorted lens that lies to myself by exaggerating the good that I think I might do, or minimising the mistakes I may make.

In my grandiosity (itself a product of insecurity), I can wade into the waters of imagining how impressively I might perform in this or that situation.

Later on in these couple of pages of advice, the AA big book has a strong suggestion around making our prayers that are oriented to being useful to others.

We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn’t work. You can easily see why.

AA Big Book, page 87

I don’t think it is theologically wrong to pray for ourselves, of course. But it is not hard to see the wisdom of this advice. Our thinking about the day, and our ways of going about the day itself, are quickly distorted by self-focused motives. Heck, I can find myself drifting into worry, fear or self-protecting resentment even during a time of prayer itself!

The advice here is to always remember our priority of being useful to others. That is damned good advice.